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| OYashiroForever 499th Post
 
Gold Customer
    
    
|  "Re(1):Anyone watching Underworld this week?"
, posted Thu 18 Sep 12:44
quote:
It seems interesting enough but i'm still undecided. I hope its on par with Blade... However, be sure to post your opinions/review on the film!
Initially, I was mildly excited about it. Vampires, werewolves, Kate B. in tight leather... how bad could it be? However, the recent batch of reviews on geek websites I've read have totally scared me away. Several to choose from, but here's the most thorough example:
"What could be cooler than Blood sucking freaks going toe to toe than the moon ravaged lupine hordes? Throw in a tight leather clad Kate Beckinsdale, an industrial soundtrack, and enough black lipstick to make even Dungeons and Dragons cower in shame and you've got the makings of the Goth Movie Spectacular of the year. Right?
Well, Goth kids, Sony execs and vampire werewolf fight fans cover your eyes. Someone's about to get hurt.
Underworld, much like the Vampires of myth and legend, is lifeless, soulless and lacking even the faintest of a pulse. I cannot even begin to stress just how clichéd, bland and unoriginal this mockery really is. And I'm pissed, absolutely appalled at the response I'm hearing from people I talk to about this crapper. "Well, the trailer looks cool," I keep hearing "So I'll give it a shot." You know, it saddens me as I slowly realize that it is not the writers, directors, actors, producers or even the studio heads that keep Hollywood afloat these days. It is the brilliant trailer editors that can make any festering pile of monkey doo look like a steak sandwich slathered in Bleu Cheese for 2 minutes and 31 seconds. "Damn, that looks tasty," you think to yourself. And no matter how many people you meet who have tasted it that decry "BUT IT'S A FESTERING PILE OF MONKEY DOO UNDER CLEVER LIGHTING!" you still thank "Yeah, whatever. Maybe I'll like monkey doo."
So the first thing I'd like to do, before I begin to tear this turd apart piece by piece, is spend a little bit of time talking about the trailer. If you're reading this, then odds are, you've seen it. And if you've seen it, I tell you this now in all honesty and no uncertain exaggeration, you have seen almost every single special effects shot in the film. You know how most trailers hint at the wonderful special effects in the film, saving the real money shots for the theatre experience where they really earn your eight bucks? Well, the nice people at Sony and Screen Gems thought it would be nice if, for a change, they instead showed you every single penny they put into their special effects budget BEFORE you saw the movie, so instead of being wowed by the special effects, you could settle back and appreciate this movie for what it truly is. I'm not kidding. Everything even remotely cool that happens in this movie is right there, ready to be watched on Apple.com right this very minute. Oh, there's maybe a second before or a few seconds after that are the tail end of the special effects, but all told, every real money shot this movie has to offer, you've already seen. For free. God bless Sony's generosity. So if you have any plans whatsoever on seeing this movie for more 'stunning' (and I use that term very loosely) special effects, just watch the trailer again, and skip this. You've already seen it. And what little you haven't seen, isn't worth seeing. Trust me.
But this is only the beginning of Underworlds problems. Perhaps you aren't interested in seeing Underworld for it's special effects. Perhaps you're interested in the mood, the storytelling or even just because you're a fan of vampires and werewolves and like a child with two bees in a jar, you want nothing more than to see them fight. Well, don't you worry, Underworld has absolutely nothing for you folks either. It's an equal opportunity disappointment.
First and foremost, this isn't really a vampire movie. Nor is it really a werewolf movie either. This is primarily because it doesn't actually have any vampires or werewolves in it. Oh, there are people who CLAIM to be Vampires and others who CLAIM to be Werewolves. They're even kind enough to indulge in each others delusions by CALLING each other vampires and werewolves. But I dare them for even one second to prove it.
Now I'm not some hardcore vampire/werewolf lore historian here to contradict points of legend versus the concepts of this movie. That's not it at all. There is some very basic shit missing from this film and quite a bit of thematic elements that are completely abandoned by Underworlds 'Reinvention' (the filmmakers word, not mine) of these creatures.
According to Underworld all Vampires 1) are Eurotrash. 2) have pointy teeth 3) can defy gravity 4) can be killed by specially made 'Sunlight bullets', really big fucking swords, light blood loss and extreme close ups on the jaws of a werewolf approaching the screen 5) are all pretty much evil, rotten bastards that will believe anything someone tells them despite their years and years of experience and 6) Are really old.
According to Underworld all Werewolves 1) are Eurotrash (except for one very large Michael Clark Duncan impersonator) 2) Can grow pointy teeth when they turn into large, bipedal hairless doglike creatures 3) can defy gravity 4) can be killed by silver bullets (kind of, this is the one cool idea in the film) 5) are pretty much evil, rotten bastards that have no real personality aside from being pretty pissed off and 6) Are really old.
Underworld contains zero references to: Coffins, crosses, garlic, running water, invitation legends, stakes, holy water, transformation into bats, wolves or mist, vampiric powers over the mind, wolves or curses. There is one mention of drinking blood, in a story that we are to assume occurred a couple hundred years ago. Blood is mentioned later, or rather cloned blood is, but apparently the vampires are awaiting FDA approval for the stuff. (I shit you not.) Sunlight is mentioned as a weakness in flashback, but that doesn't really matter, because Underworld only takes place at night. There is no day whatsoever. The movie is one, long, fluid story that takes place over the course of several 'days' without the sun ever once coming up. It's the anti-Bay. Ever wonder how the film world balances itself out after it suspends night for Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer movies to show universal day the world over as everyone in the world wonders about the fate of our heroes in oh so cinematic daylight? Underworld is that answer. Vampires also breathe, can be drowned and can have CPR performed on them oddly enough.
Underworld is also very dodgy on how one actually becomes a werewolf or a vampire. It is said that you can actually be born as both and it's hinted that a bite can actually do it, but neither is ever really talked about, except in passing.
So I'm sure many of you out there are asking right this very second: "So what? It's a 'Reinvention'. They're doing something different."
No. They're not.
The Vampires and Werewolves of Underworld are nothing more than superhumans that, having had removed all but the most basic of concepts, are Vampires and Werewolves in name only. Underworld never even begins to try to reinvent these creatures at all. There is nothing to replace what's missing. No new habits or ideas to chew on, mull over or enjoy while watching. Period. Underworld borrows, rather than reinvents, and simply 'trims the fat', so to speak, to tell the story it wants to tell.
And to top it off, Underworld has almost ZERO mood. There's never any feeling or soul to it, which brings me to why, exactly, I mentioned all the associated concepts that are lacking from this movie. There is simply something fascinating about vampires and werewolves. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be so many movies about the damned things. Or so many books. Or legends. There is something about the notion of great power coming with an awful curse, the notion of a man becoming both more than a man and less of a man at the same time that inspires the imagination. Whether it be the horror a man experiences as he loses the very things he never knew he held so dear and having to suffer that loss for all eternity, or the notion of becoming something so uncontrollable that a man would want nothing more than to die, if only for that single moment of peace. Talk all you want about those 'cheesy old Universal monster movies', but by god, those movies had heart. Those movies had soul. Those movies dealt with the very essence of what it was to be human.
Those 'cheesy old monster movies' managed to understand the very essence of what those crazy old legends were really all about.
But maybe that isn't what you like about Vampire/werewolf lore. Maybe you simply love the sheer fright of the notion of these once human beasts prowling the night, with the ability to suck a person dry of every last drop of blood whilst they slept or tear a grown man limb from limb in a heartbeat.
Well folks, Underworld possesses neither of these thing, not a single moment of pathos, not a single moment of horror. In fact, aside from one sequence in the beginning of the film, there is no evidence whatsoever that there's anyone that's NOT a Vampire or Werewolf living in the city this takes place in. There is a small group of people that apparently are going somewhere, once (probably leaving town before all hell breaks loose) but we are never again treated to anything remotely like the outside world.
And this is one of the primary faults of the film, as we are never shown just how these beings deal with the world at all. The Vampires don't feed, werewolves can control their changes and they don't have to worry about the moon (unless they're a new werewolf), and neither needs jobs. The Vampires sit around having parties that look exactly like those live action role playing events you see at every sci/fi, fantasy or movie convention, but without all the rock, paper, scissors (I swear, they're always playing Rock, paper, scissors...watch them some time, I'm not making this shit up.) Everyone looks like they just walked out of a casting call for 'Fashionably dressed corpse number 1' in a Marylyn Manson music video. They really, truly, never actually do anything. And since it's always night, we never get to see what they do at dawn. Do they sleep like other vampires? Or do they just stay indoors, eternal insomniacs with nothing more to do than sit around and bore one another with their ennui? And the Werewolves? Lord only knows what they do, aside from hanging out playing Fight Club the home game and getting ready to fight Vampires.
But let's pretend for a moment that you don't give a shit about any of this. Let's acknowledge that I'm full of shit for wanting silly little things like mood and mythology. "So this isn't a Vampire film. We get it. How's the fucking movie?"
How is it? It's a meandering mess that borrows every shred of mood or idea from other sources. I once heard an electronic musician publicly refer to Billy Corrigan (Smashing Pumpkins) as Borrowing everything from electonica but giving nothing back. The exact thing can be said about Underworld, word for word. Underworld takes not only it's cues, but it's entire art direction from obvious sources. The Matrix. Dark City. The Crow. But not only is Underworld 'in the style of', it pirates exact shots, entire sequences. Matrix fans are gonna shit bricks when they see the rotating-staring-down-several-floors-of-a-dilapidated-stairwell-as-the-heroes-trod-up-it shot that not only looks just like the same shot in The Matrix, but may well have been shot on the same set. the shots that aren't pirated are shot so claustrophobically, that you can never actually see anything around exactly what you're looking at. What work did go into the art direction was all but completely cut out of the film by poor cinematography choices. And of course, anytime the visuals fail to set the appropriate mood, fear not, for Underworld is more than ready to blast industrial and electronic music at the drop of a hat to try to fill in the blanks. Of course, that never really helps much.
But nevermind all that, we already established that you might not care about mood. How about that action? Yeah. How about it? I'm still waiting to see it myself, and I've seen the god damned thing.
Want some Vampire on Werewolf action? Good luck, because Underworld doesn't have any. Oh there are Vampires FIGHTING Werewolves alright. Mostly Werewolves in human form, and the fighting is all with guns or in one case, and only one case, whips. On rare occasions, the Werewolves change into large, hairless, badly rendered dog like creatures that are either kept in total darkness or are only shown for a split second to keep you from seeing how bad they look. And just when you're about to see a werewolf tear into some vampire flesh or just when you're ready to see a werewolf bitch slap a vampire across the room...the shadowed werewolf approaches the screen menacingly, opens its slavering maw into the camera's eye and the movie cuts away. Then we're treated to other characters hearing the sounds of screams and gunshots. Not only do we not get to see what happens, we don't even get to know how it turns out. Almost everyone who dies in the film does so by gunshot or grenade...in human form. And even then the action presented isn't even remotely interesting. It's cut so poorly and so quick that you never get an idea for what's going on.
But most importantly, you don't care.
The depth of character here is so shallow here that were it cooking oil, you couldn't sauté mushrooms in it. Everyone is one dimensional and almost no one has a backstory, and what backstories are present are so tired and cliché that it's almost laughable. The dialog is stiff and reeks of the pseudo-intellectual ennui ridden banter of the aforementioned live action role playing games. And most absurd, the story is told from the entirely wrong point of view.
Underworld focuses upon Selene (Bekinsdale) the ridiculously monikered 'Death Dealer' as she tries to unravel the mystery of why the Werewolves want Michael (Scott Speedman). For some unknown reason, she becomes obsessed with figuring this all out and protecting him. This simply isn't the story that Underworld should be telling. It should be telling the Michael's story. The exposition should be from his point of view.
Imagine if you will 'The Matrix' told from Trinity's point of view, rather than Neo's. Imagine if, during the opening, we are treated to a Carrie Ann Moss voice over explaining the Matrix, the Agents and exactly why they were looking for Neo. Then imagine it being roughly the same film, without the moments of Neo alone trying to figure things out. This pretty much sums up Underworld. Everything is laid out from the beginning, with only a few plot points kept hidden. But all the horror, all the mystique of the monsters in this movie, is undercut and completely ruined by Selene's introductory explanation. And thus, we never really feel anything. We don't get the shock of being caught in a subway station shoot out. We don't get the horror of first seeing a man turn into a werewolf. We don't get 'What the Fuck' reaction of finding out the badass women you've found yourself attracted to is really...a blood sucking monster. Nope, nothing at all like that. It's pretty much a go through the motions movie from that opening scene.
And get this...Sony's been selling this as 'Romeo and Juliet' with werewolves and Vampires. Yeah, uh, that's bollocks. Complete Bollocks. First of all, Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy. This isn't. Secondly, if I remember correctly, Romeo and Juliet was a romance. There was some kind of funky love subplot or at least an attraction between the title characters. My Shakespeare must be rusty, because this didn't have any of that. And no, it's not just because Beckinsdale and Speedman have all the sexual chemistry of Donnie and Marie Osmond, but rather, because there are no romantic elements, scenes or themes in the film anywhere. there's one ALMOST kiss, which turns out to be a ploy to get one character quickly handcuffed, but that's it. Selene for some unexplained (no seriously, unexplained) reason tries to protect Michael, but it never once feels to the audience like love.
In fact, several audience members I talked with after the film claimed that they were very happy that the movie never tried to be a romance. that the characters never hooked up romantically. Kind of a funny reaction for a film being billed as 'Romeo and Juliet' don't you think?
So there's no romance, no vampire on werewolf action, flawed storytelling, bad dialog, terrible editing and cinematography, bad special effects, sunlight bullets, and oh yeah, the story's pretty lame and lacks any real conclusion aside to set itself up for a sequel. (No really, not just "oooh...they could make another one" it's "Hey, we're making another one whether you like it or not, so much so, we're not really going to end this one")
So is there any reason to see Underworld? Well, the credits are quite nice and not nearly as lifeless and boring as the movie before them. Otherwise, no."
- from Ain't it Cool News (not always accurate, but usually is the first to jump on a good monster movie)
"Only two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former."
"Your denial is beneath you and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs I see through you."
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| Luisinan 455th Post
Gold Customer
| "Re(5):Anyone watching Underworld this week?" , posted Thu 18 Sep 12:59
quote:
It seems interesting enough but i'm still undecided. I hope its on par with Blade... However, be sure to post your opinions/review on the film!
im going this friday. like you said, seems interesting enough.
Post your reviews. I'm not really excited about the film. Mildy excited. But I see it too much of a matrix rip off. But anyway...
Why? Because they wear black and use guns? I don't remember Vampires in the Matrix.
werewolves either.
Ha! I knew I would stir a hornet’s nest! But seriously, let me list the similarities between the matrix and underworld.
Cinematography. Both films have dark and shadowy environments. The lightning is very subdued with a few lighting spotlights. Both use odd-close ups to emphasize the action. And of course there is the use of bullet-time and slow/fast video effects.
Costumes. Similar black/leather motif.
Themes. Superficially, they have the similar theme of two groups fighting each other in a world that doesn’t know they exist. In the matrix, its man versus machine. In underworld its werewolf versus vampire.
Essentially, to me, it’s like they re-used the matrix, replaced the men with werewolves and machines with vampires and added a love romeo/juliet love story. Now, you might argue, but hey, there are certain action movie conventions that you must follow in order to make an action movie. I agree that you must do certain things in order to make an action movie, but if you also look at other superhero movies, you see how unoriginal underworld really is.
Take spider-man for example. This movie had bright colors, large open environments and a youthful spirit. X-men used more normal environments to emphasize how anybody could be a mutant and that mutants could be hiding right next to us. Daredevil used the gritty, city night atmosphere without making everything shadowy and dark like Batman. Hulk was just weird, it had too many elements and not a big central ‘feel’- but it sure didn’t cop the feel and atmosphere of any of the other films.
So there you have it. Each film was a superhero film / action movie but each film felt different and looked different. Underworld looks too similar to the matrix for my tastes. And I hate films that just cop off someone else’s work just for the sake of making a quick buck. And I get the feeling that underworld is just that. Just hollywood trying to make a quick buck off of the Washy Bros. ideas without giving them a dime.
Having said that, if it’s a good film I might see it.
Bored? "160"
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| Omar 280th Post
Copper Customer
|  "Re(6):Anyone watching Underworld this week?"
, posted Thu 18 Sep 13:22:
OH MY THAT MEANS BLADE 2 IT'S A MATRIX RIPOFF TOO!
Seriously, the thing about the Matrix is that it was such a great movie (the first one, anyway), people will always compare anything to it, however it looks like it or not, for many many years down the road.
There is somwhere in the net a site that declares the Matrix a ripoff of the movie Dark City, based mostly in the same terms you mention, with pictures too.
If one is vague enough everything can be a copy of everyhting.
Just my two cents.
EDIT: I don't have great hopes for Underworld, but I still want to see it.
quote:
Cinematography. Both films have dark and shadowy environments. The lightning is very subdued with a few lighting spotlights. Both use odd-close ups to emphasize the action. And of course there is the use of bullet-time and slow/fast video effects.
Costumes. Similar black/leather motif.
Themes. Superficially, they have the similar theme of two groups fighting each other in a world that doesn’t know they exist. In the matrix, its man versus machine. In underworld its werewolf versus vampire.
"Nothing suits better than a dead man's shirt"
[this message was edited by Omar on Thu 18 Sep 13:23] |
| Luisinan 456th Post
Gold Customer
| "Re(7):Anyone watching Underworld this week?" , posted Thu 18 Sep 14:20
quote:
OH MY THAT MEANS BLADE 2 IT'S A MATRIX RIPOFF TOO!
Seriously, the thing about the Matrix is that it was such a great movie (the first one, anyway), people will always compare anything to it, however it looks like it or not, for many many years down the road.
There is somwhere in the net a site that declares the Matrix a ripoff of the movie Dark City, based mostly in the same terms you mention, with pictures too.
If one is vague enough everything can be a copy of everyhting.
Just my two cents.
EDIT: I don't have great hopes for Underworld, but I still want to see it.
Cinematography. Both films have dark and shadowy environments. The lightning is very subdued with a few lighting spotlights. Both use odd-close ups to emphasize the action. And of course there is the use of bullet-time and slow/fast video effects.
Costumes. Similar black/leather motif.
Themes. Superficially, they have the similar theme of two groups fighting each other in a world that doesn’t know they exist. In the matrix, its man versus machine. In underworld its werewolf versus vampire.
I forgot about Blade. But Blade 1 is a very good example. The first Blade movie had some crazy coloring in it. The outdoor and daytime scenes often had this weird dead-blue pale color tone to them. Everyone, except Blade and the old dude, had a pale-blue tone to them. And whenever Blade was a in a scene, the blue tone got subdued. That's just a superficial look at things. The pale tone made everyone look alive but in a dead kind of way. It was disturbing. Now, that's thoughtful film making. Blade two was just run of the mill film making.
But my point is that there are film makers trying to make a film, trying to put out an idea and a feeling with their films. And there are film makers that are just putting out a film to make money. I see underworld in the latter half. Of course, all the superhero movies were made to make money. But IMO, the people behind many of those superhero movies were more thoughtful and careful with what they put on the screen. That's the difference I'm talking about.
And like I said, underworld just seems to be to much of a cop off the ideas of the matrix. Yeah, bullet time has been used a lot of times in a ton of other stuff. But that's just one idea. Underworld takes the whole enchillada and tries to serve it to you as quesadilla.
Bored? "160"
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| Hungrywolf 2343th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
    
    
    
| "Re(2):Anyone watching Underworld this week?" , posted Thu 18 Sep 19:46
quote:
It seems interesting enough but i'm still undecided. I hope its on par with Blade... However, be sure to post your opinions/review on the film!
Initially, I was mildly excited about it. Vampires, werewolves, Kate B. in tight leather... how bad could it be? However, the recent batch of reviews on geek websites I've read have totally scared me away. Several to choose from, but here's the most thorough example:
"What could be cooler than Blood sucking freaks going toe to toe than the moon ravaged lupine hordes? Throw in a tight leather clad Kate Beckinsdale, an industrial soundtrack, and enough black lipstick to make even Dungeons and Dragons cower in shame and you've got the makings of the Goth Movie Spectacular of the year. Right?
Well, Goth kids, Sony execs and vampire werewolf fight fans cover your eyes. Someone's about to get hurt.
Underworld, much like the Vampires of myth and legend, is lifeless, soulless and lacking even the faintest of a pulse. I cannot even begin to stress just how clichéd, bland and unoriginal this mockery really is. And I'm pissed, absolutely appalled at the response I'm hearing from people I talk to about this crapper. "Well, the trailer looks cool," I keep hearing "So I'll give it a shot." You know, it saddens me as I slowly realize that it is not the writers, directors, actors, producers or even the studio heads that keep Hollywood afloat these days. It is the brilliant trailer editors that can make any festering pile of monkey doo look like a steak sandwich slathered in Bleu Cheese for 2 minutes and 31 seconds. "Damn, that looks tasty," you think to yourself. And no matter how many people you meet who have tasted it that decry "BUT IT'S A FESTERING PILE OF MONKEY DOO UNDER CLEVER LIGHTING!" you still thank "Yeah, whatever. Maybe I'll like monkey doo."
So the first thing I'd like to do, before I begin to tear this turd apart piece by piece, is spend a little bit of time talking about the trailer. If you're reading this, then odds are, you've seen it. And if you've seen it, I tell you this now in all honesty and no uncertain exaggeration, you have seen almost every single special effects shot in the film. You know how most trailers hint at the wonderful special effects in the film, saving the real money shots for the theatre experience where they really earn your eight bucks? Well, the nice people at Sony and Screen Gems thought it would be nice if, for a change, they instead showed you every single penny they put into their special effects budget BEFORE you saw the movie, so instead of being wowed by the special effects, you could settle back and appreciate this movie for what it truly is. I'm not kidding. Everything even remotely cool that happens in this movie is right there, ready to be watched on Apple.com right this very minute. Oh, there's maybe a second before or a few seconds after that are the tail end of the special effects, but all told, every real money shot this movie has to offer, you've already seen. For free. God bless Sony's generosity. So if you have any plans whatsoever on seeing this movie for more 'stunning' (and I use that term very loosely) special effects, just watch the trailer again, and skip this. You've already seen it. And what little you haven't seen, isn't worth seeing. Trust me.
But this is only the beginning of Underworlds problems. Perhaps you aren't interested in seeing Underworld for it's special effects. Perhaps you're interested in the mood, the storytelling or even just because you're a fan of vampires and werewolves and like a child with two bees in a jar, you want nothing more than to see them fight. Well, don't you worry, Underworld has absolutely nothing for you folks either. It's an equal opportunity disappointment.
First and foremost, this isn't really a vampire movie. Nor is it really a werewolf movie either. This is primarily because it doesn't actually have any vampires or werewolves in it. Oh, there are people who CLAIM to be Vampires and others who CLAIM to be Werewolves. They're even kind enough to indulge in each others delusions by CALLING each other vampires and werewolves. But I dare them for even one second to prove it.
Now I'm not some hardcore vampire/werewolf lore historian here to contradict points of legend versus the concepts of this movie. That's not it at all. There is some very basic shit missing from this film and quite a bit of thematic elements that are completely abandoned by Underworlds 'Reinvention' (the filmmakers word, not mine) of these creatures.
According to Underworld all Vampires 1) are Eurotrash. 2) have pointy teeth 3) can defy gravity 4) can be killed by specially made 'Sunlight bullets', really big fucking swords, light blood loss and extreme close ups on the jaws of a werewolf approaching the screen 5) are all pretty much evil, rotten bastards that will believe anything someone tells them despite their years and years of experience and 6) Are really old.
According to Underworld all Werewolves 1) are Eurotrash (except for one very large Michael Clark Duncan impersonator) 2) Can grow pointy teeth when they turn into large, bipedal hairless doglike creatures 3) can defy gravity 4) can be killed by silver bullets (kind of, this is the one cool idea in the film) 5) are pretty much evil, rotten bastards that have no real personality aside from being pretty pissed off and 6) Are really old.
Underworld contains zero references to: Coffins, crosses, garlic, running water, invitation legends, stakes, holy water, transformation into bats, wolves or mist, vampiric powers over the mind, wolves or curses. There is one mention of drinking blood, in a story that we are to assume occurred a couple hundred years ago. Blood is mentioned later, or rather cloned blood is, but apparently the vampires are awaiting FDA approval for the stuff. (I shit you not.) Sunlight is mentioned as a weakness in flashback, but that doesn't really matter, because Underworld only takes place at night. There is no day whatsoever. The movie is one, long, fluid story that takes place over the course of several 'days' without the sun ever once coming up. It's the anti-Bay. Ever wonder how the film world balances itself out after it suspends night for Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer movies to show universal day the world over as everyone in the world wonders about the fate of our heroes in oh so cinematic daylight? Underworld is that answer. Vampires also breathe, can be drowned and can have CPR performed on them oddly enough.
Underworld is also very dodgy on how one actually becomes a werewolf or a vampire. It is said that you can actually be born as both and it's hinted that a bite can actually do it, but neither is ever really talked about, except in passing.
So I'm sure many of you out there are asking right this very second: "So what? It's a 'Reinvention'. They're doing something different."
No. They're not.
The Vampires and Werewolves of Underworld are nothing more than superhumans that, having had removed all but the most basic of concepts, are Vampires and Werewolves in name only. Underworld never even begins to try to reinvent these creatures at all. There is nothing to replace what's missing. No new habits or ideas to chew on, mull over or enjoy while watching. Period. Underworld borrows, rather than reinvents, and simply 'trims the fat', so to speak, to tell the story it wants to tell.
And to top it off, Underworld has almost ZERO mood. There's never any feeling or soul to it, which brings me to why, exactly, I mentioned all the associated concepts that are lacking from this movie. There is simply something fascinating about vampires and werewolves. If there wasn't, there wouldn't be so many movies about the damned things. Or so many books. Or legends. There is something about the notion of great power coming with an awful curse, the notion of a man becoming both more than a man and less of a man at the same time that inspires the imagination. Whether it be the horror a man experiences as he loses the very things he never knew he held so dear and having to suffer that loss for all eternity, or the notion of becoming something so uncontrollable that a man would want nothing more than to die, if only for that single moment of peace. Talk all you want about those 'cheesy old Universal monster movies', but by god, those movies had heart. Those movies had soul. Those movies dealt with the very essence of what it was to be human.
Those 'cheesy old monster movies' managed to understand the very essence of what those crazy old legends were really all about.
But maybe that isn't what you like about Vampire/werewolf lore. Maybe you simply love the sheer fright of the notion of these once human beasts prowling the night, with the ability to suck a person dry of every last drop of blood whilst they slept or tear a grown man limb from limb in a heartbeat.
Well folks, Underworld possesses neither of these thing, not a single moment of pathos, not a single moment of horror. In fact, aside from one sequence in the beginning of the film, there is no evidence whatsoever that there's anyone that's NOT a Vampire or Werewolf living in the city this takes place in. There is a small group of people that apparently are going somewhere, once (probably leaving town before all hell breaks loose) but we are never again treated to anything remotely like the outside world.
And this is one of the primary faults of the film, as we are never shown just how these beings deal with the world at all. The Vampires don't feed, werewolves can control their changes and they don't have to worry about the moon (unless they're a new werewolf), and neither needs jobs. The Vampires sit around having parties that look exactly like those live action role playing events you see at every sci/fi, fantasy or movie convention, but without all the rock, paper, scissors (I swear, they're always playing Rock, paper, scissors...watch them some time, I'm not making this shit up.) Everyone looks like they just walked out of a casting call for 'Fashionably dressed corpse number 1' in a Marylyn Manson music video. They really, truly, never actually do anything. And since it's always night, we never get to see what they do at dawn. Do they sleep like other vampires? Or do they just stay indoors, eternal insomniacs with nothing more to do than sit around and bore one another with their ennui? And the Werewolves? Lord only knows what they do, aside from hanging out playing Fight Club the home game and getting ready to fight Vampires.
But let's pretend for a moment that you don't give a shit about any of this. Let's acknowledge that I'm full of shit for wanting silly little things like mood and mythology. "So this isn't a Vampire film. We get it. How's the fucking movie?"
How is it? It's a meandering mess that borrows every shred of mood or idea from other sources. I once heard an electronic musician publicly refer to Billy Corrigan (Smashing Pumpkins) as Borrowing everything from electonica but giving nothing back. The exact thing can be said about Underworld, word for word. Underworld takes not only it's cues, but it's entire art direction from obvious sources. The Matrix. Dark City. The Crow. But not only is Underworld 'in the style of', it pirates exact shots, entire sequences. Matrix fans are gonna shit bricks when they see the rotating-staring-down-several-floors-of-a-dilapidated-stairwell-as-the-heroes-trod-up-it shot that not only looks just like the same shot in The Matrix, but may well have been shot on the same set. the shots that aren't pirated are shot so claustrophobically, that you can never actually see anything around exactly what you're looking at. What work did go into the art direction was all but completely cut out of the film by poor cinematography choices. And of course, anytime the visuals fail to set the appropriate mood, fear not, for Underworld is more than ready to blast industrial and electronic music at the drop of a hat to try to fill in the blanks. Of course, that never really helps much.
But nevermind all that, we already established that you might not care about mood. How about that action? Yeah. How about it? I'm still waiting to see it myself, and I've seen the god damned thing.
Want some Vampire on Werewolf action? Good luck, because Underworld doesn't have any. Oh there are Vampires FIGHTING Werewolves alright. Mostly Werewolves in human form, and the fighting is all with guns or in one case, and only one case, whips. On rare occasions, the Werewolves change into large, hairless, badly rendered dog like creatures that are either kept in total darkness or are only shown for a split second to keep you from seeing how bad they look. And just when you're about to see a werewolf tear into some vampire flesh or just when you're ready to see a werewolf bitch slap a vampire across the room...the shadowed werewolf approaches the screen menacingly, opens its slavering maw into the camera's eye and the movie cuts away. Then we're treated to other characters hearing the sounds of screams and gunshots. Not only do we not get to see what happens, we don't even get to know how it turns out. Almost everyone who dies in the film does so by gunshot or grenade...in human form. And even then the action presented isn't even remotely interesting. It's cut so poorly and so quick that you never get an idea for what's going on.
But most importantly, you don't care.
The depth of character here is so shallow here that were it cooking oil, you couldn't sauté mushrooms in it. Everyone is one dimensional and almost no one has a backstory, and what backstories are present are so tired and cliché that it's almost laughable. The dialog is stiff and reeks of the pseudo-intellectual ennui ridden banter of the aforementioned live action role playing games. And most absurd, the story is told from the entirely wrong point of view.
Underworld focuses upon Selene (Bekinsdale) the ridiculously monikered 'Death Dealer' as she tries to unravel the mystery of why the Werewolves want Michael (Scott Speedman). For some unknown reason, she becomes obsessed with figuring this all out and protecting him. This simply isn't the story that Underworld should be telling. It should be telling the Michael's story. The exposition should be from his point of view.
Imagine if you will 'The Matrix' told from Trinity's point of view, rather than Neo's. Imagine if, during the opening, we are treated to a Carrie Ann Moss voice over explaining the Matrix, the Agents and exactly why they were looking for Neo. Then imagine it being roughly the same film, without the moments of Neo alone trying to figure things out. This pretty much sums up Underworld. Everything is laid out from the beginning, with only a few plot points kept hidden. But all the horror, all the mystique of the monsters in this movie, is undercut and completely ruined by Selene's introductory explanation. And thus, we never really feel anything. We don't get the shock of being caught in a subway station shoot out. We don't get the horror of first seeing a man turn into a werewolf. We don't get 'What the Fuck' reaction of finding out the badass women you've found yourself attracted to is really...a blood sucking monster. Nope, nothing at all like that. It's pretty much a go through the motions movie from that opening scene.
And get this...Sony's been selling this as 'Romeo and Juliet' with werewolves and Vampires. Yeah, uh, that's bollocks. Complete Bollocks. First of all, Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy. This isn't. Secondly, if I remember correctly, Romeo and Juliet was a romance. There was some kind of funky love subplot or at least an attraction between the title characters. My Shakespeare must be rusty, because this didn't have any of that. And no, it's not just because Beckinsdale and Speedman have all the sexual chemistry of Donnie and Marie Osmond, but rather, because there are no romantic elements, scenes or themes in the film anywhere. there's one ALMOST kiss, which turns out to be a ploy to get one character quickly handcuffed, but that's it. Selene for some unexplained (no seriously, unexplained) reason tries to protect Michael, but it never once feels to the audience like love.
In fact, several audience members I talked with after the film claimed that they were very happy that the movie never tried to be a romance. that the characters never hooked up romantically. Kind of a funny reaction for a film being billed as 'Romeo and Juliet' don't you think?
So there's no romance, no vampire on werewolf action, flawed storytelling, bad dialog, terrible editing and cinematography, bad special effects, sunlight bullets, and oh yeah, the story's pretty lame and lacks any real conclusion aside to set itself up for a sequel. (No really, not just "oooh...they could make another one" it's "Hey, we're making another one whether you like it or not, so much so, we're not really going to end this one")
So is there any reason to see Underworld? Well, the credits are quite nice and not nearly as lifeless and boring as the movie before them. Otherwise, no."
- from Ain't it Cool News (not always accurate, but usually is the first to jump on a good monster movie)
Thanks a lot. That was a good review and really explained the film. If the review is true, then I wouldn't like the film. Well, I am still excited about Van Helsing.
"You're good baby I'll give you that.....but me? I'm magic!"
-Bullseye Daredevil movie
Hungry Like the Wolf
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| Juke Joint Jezebel 2291th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
|  "EEEEEEEK"
, posted Mon 22 Sep 10:50:
quote:
GO WATCH UNDERWORLD NOW!
Despite the negative reviews OYashiroForever posted, I would HIGHLY recommend Underworld to any action fans out there. I'm quite busy so i'll just bullet my reviews
Pros
- Action (very stylistic)
- cg effects (Underworld is gorgeuos, the transforming werewolves were great)
- Story (very shakespearian <----spelled incorrectly?)
Cons
- story (at times confusing)
it was fun and i'm glad i saw it, but i wouldn't rush others to see it
my pros
- very cool atmosphere
- fun overall storyline
- some fun fight scenes
my cons
- some zany fight scenes
- some things in the immediate story didn't quite fit
- i liked a lot of the special effects but some of them were downright silly
Spoiler (Highlight to view) -
i mean, vampire  werewolf  hulk 
here's a bit more in-depth pros and cons
pros
- i was especially impressed with anything that had to do with the vampires. the ... (i don't know the correct word and i don't wanna sound stupid, but the) "gothic" style of the buildings, clothes, and train were all beautiful
- interesting story. i liked how everything fit in with the vampires and werewolves and why the war started
- a lot of the fight scenes were awesome. for instance, the beginning: after giving us some story, so we'll somewhat know what's going on, it rushed into a vicious battle. just beautiful
cons
- a lot of "final battles" are done so "dramatically" that they just come off as ridiculous. Underworld featured some of those. the one that sticks in my head is the fight of Victor against the Hulk. to me, it was just a crazy dance. however, i did like how the battle ended
- it's still hard for me to believe that the main girl would fall in love for that guy so easily. he saved her life but .. hmm. it's also hard for me to believe that the heavily-guarded train full of those powerful vampires were slaughtered so quickly. i didn't see one werewolf casualty. maybe i'm just being picky
- i liked a lot of "transforming to become a wolf." but once they were wolves, they looked like funky dogs. one scene that describes this is when the main character was in that hallway and the dogs started walking on the ceiling and walls and shit. it just looked too silly
End of Spoiler
EDIT:
MORE PROS AND CONS
PROS
_ HOT GIRL THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN IN "BIRDS OF PREY"
CONS
_ MATRIX RIPOFF
[this message was edited by Juke Joint Jezebel on Mon 22 Sep 10:56] |
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"Re(1):GO WATCH UNDERWORLD!" 
